Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The downside to knowing Bob The Excellent.

First of all, before I forget, today is Fringe Day, so if you haven't yet, go check out the latest column. I actually think it's pretty good. I liked it, anyway.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to share with you a funny e-mail I got today from my friend Raymee. It read thusly:

i'm considering having a party at my house. the theme of this party will be MEET BOB. here is why.

every week, without fail, a friend will read your column and then write to me (politely including the link) and asking me things about you. is he really funny in person? (to which i reply "no he is an enormous ape" which does not answer the question at all but communicates my opinion of you nonetheless). what was it like to work with bob everyday? (to which i reply "it was like having the life sucked out of me by vampires at the bottom of the sea...but, this one time, in vegas...") is he really tall? (to which i reply "he is an enormous ape).

hope you're happy.

Yeah, all the rotten grammar and lower-case letters were in the original e-mail. I think Raymee does that because she knows it gets on my nerves. We have a special relationship like that.

I do think it's really funny when people act like I'm some kind of celebrity or extra-cool person. I'm convinced that anyone who does will be crushingly disappointed to meet me, as in person I can, at times, exude the personality and charm of a stunned halibut.

Here's how I responded to Raymee:

If you do have this party, I will attend, upon certain conditions:

1. I am carried in and out on one of those thrones like the old Egyptians used, which required four people to lift and move.

2. My throne shall be carried by strippers, all of whom will respond to the name Debbie.

3. The strippers shall be covered in butter and nothing else.

4. A lavish feast of nachos, pizza and cheeseburgers will be prepared for me, by strippers covered in butter and nothing else.

5. All will address me as "Your Most Excellently Good Looking Genius."

6. All must bring copies of "Acoustic Kitty" for me to sign. I shall, however, sign none of them.

Please advise.

She said she's thinking about it. I don't think she's telling the truth, though.

And for the record, I was joking about the butter.


Gregg said...

I think most celebrity meetings are crushingly dissappointing, ergo, you are a celebrity!

Deal with it. (I would add, "You Enormous Ape, but I don't know you and don't want to screw up my changes of meeting you since you are a celebrity and all)

Bob said...

Oh, it's fine. I really am an ape.

mariachi band said...

That's sweet, Bob. You're one of those celebrity types who'll call the paparazzi & let them know your schedule for the day. How nice.

It's also good to know what to send you for your birthday...

lovemystl said...

Having recently met Bob the Excellent, I can confirm he is not an enormous ape, but is much taller than he appears in his picture. He is entertaining and funny in person, no matter what kind of stunned sea-life he compares himself to.

Moony said...

I'll have to disagree. I've been to plenty of meetings with authors I'm crazy about and though I felt like a giddy little schoolgirl full of questions was able to remain composed in their presence. After all they are are human too and had to have started out where I am to get to where they are, no?

I still never miss a beat on my opportunity to ask a question about their work or to get something signed personally by them. (We may not be close friends by simply attending meetings together but I can still say I know them and can show proof that I've at least met them.=p )

Oh! Remember to take a camera or something if this party of yours does happen. Buttered Debbies on the Bob-bie is an interesting concept. (Wonder what Collette would think about that.) ^_~

Bob said...

Fortunately for me (and Colette), no plans for the party or the buttered Debbies have been made...