Anyway, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to share with you a funny e-mail I got today from my friend Raymee. It read thusly:
i'm considering having a party at my house. the theme of this party will be MEET BOB. here is why.
every week, without fail, a friend will read your column and then write to me (politely including the link) and asking me things about you. is he really funny in person? (to which i reply "no he is an enormous ape" which does not answer the question at all but communicates my opinion of you nonetheless). what was it like to work with bob everyday? (to which i reply "it was like having the life sucked out of me by vampires at the bottom of the sea...but, this one time, in vegas...") is he really tall? (to which i reply "he is an enormous ape).
hope you're happy.
Yeah, all the rotten grammar and lower-case letters were in the original e-mail. I think Raymee does that because she knows it gets on my nerves. We have a special relationship like that.
I do think it's really funny when people act like I'm some kind of celebrity or extra-cool person. I'm convinced that anyone who does will be crushingly disappointed to meet me, as in person I can, at times, exude the personality and charm of a stunned halibut.
Here's how I responded to Raymee:
If you do have this party, I will attend, upon certain conditions:
1. I am carried in and out on one of those thrones like the old Egyptians used, which required four people to lift and move.
2. My throne shall be carried by strippers, all of whom will respond to the name Debbie.
3. The strippers shall be covered in butter and nothing else.
4. A lavish feast of nachos, pizza and cheeseburgers will be prepared for me, by strippers covered in butter and nothing else.
5. All will address me as "Your Most Excellently Good Looking Genius."
6. All must bring copies of "Acoustic Kitty" for me to sign. I shall, however, sign none of them.
She said she's thinking about it. I don't think she's telling the truth, though.
And for the record, I was joking about the butter.