I'm not sure.

I was roller skating with my daughter last night, and it occurred to me that I wasn't sure which was dorker - being a terrible roller skater, or being a fantastic roller skater.

That's one heck of a toilet seat, lady.

So, this doesn't count as hate mail, but it is interesting mail.

I got an e-mail from someone named Tricia. It's obvious that Tricia works for a public relations agency. As someone who also works at a public relations agency, I can recognize my own kind, much like one zombie will recognize another and not eat its brain.

Unfortunately for Tricia, her client roster includes a company that makes luxury toilet seats.

No, really.

Here's the e-mail. (I took out the company's name and the names of its product lines because I didn't want Tricia to get in trouble with her client. Hopefully a maker of luxury toilet seats has a sense of humor, but I don't want to presume such a thing.)

Hi Bob;

Good afternoon. I hope that you’re doing well today and had a wonderful holiday weekend.

Last month, I had sent you information on a new client of ours, [Company]. [Company] manufacturers eco-friendly and luxurious toilet seats. I wanted to follow-up with you to see if you had any questions, would like samples or high res images.

Their [Brand A] line of high-tech toilet seats combines the latest innovation and design to bring you a new level of luxury and hygiene. With its warm air dryer, the [Brand A] 800 eliminates all need to use toilet paper – yes it’s true! In addition to the warm air dryer, the [Brand A] 800 includes a bidet, water and seat temperature controls, wireless remote control, germ resistant lid as well as many other features. Sheryl Crow can now really only use one piece of toilet paper!!

In addition to the [Brand A] series, [Company] also offers the [Brand B] – a line of deodorizing toilet seats which provide a more comfortable bathroom experience for your family and guests. No more embarrassing odors!! Now, your bathroom will smell of either Citrus & Eucalyptus, Rainforest or Jasmine & Lavender everytime a visit is paid.

To learn more about the [Company] line of eco-friendly toilet seats including the health benefits, visit [web site]. Sold at participating retailers nationwide, the [Company] Toilet Seats range in price from $155.00 to $920.00.

If you would like a press kit, high res images or samples, please let me know.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yep, you read that right: eco-friendly luxury toilet seats. For a mere $920 each.

So awesome. I just had to share.

Haaaaate Mail!

Okay, I know, it has been WAY too long since I've blogged. In order to make it up to you, I have something exciting for you: hate mail.

If you're a fan of my writing at all, you know that I love hate mail. I like the regular fan mail, too, so don't you all go writing me nasty-grams just because. But true, bile-encrusted, nasty hate mail is sometimes way more fun.

I actually got this one a week ago, in response to my surprisingly popular column about my cat Charlie acting like a vampire. It's from some guy named John:

What a poor excuse you are. I am not surprised that you have a job at that horrid thing called a newspaper. It just shows how journalism has sunk over the years. You remind of a p**** who thinks he is cool but just needs a good a**-kicking. Your articles are not cute or funny. It is as if the rag just hired a 15 year old kid who likes to tell fart jokes or actually or more appropriately a 15 year old girl who fawns over boy bands. I know that I am wasting my time even writing a silly a** like you but I am amazed that you are not teaching AV at a poor school district and thinking you have what it takes to be an assistant at the school year book. Do not think that you have some talent. Sure you get paid but so do a******s like those freaks on Jacka**. People are laughing…at you and you are too stupid to know it. Now onto your next juvenile project. Maybe how you just discovered how to j*** off. Loser.

(I put the asterisks in there, by the way. Yeah, this is a blog, but I like to keep it clean here, since anyone can read it.)

Pretty cool, huh? This John guy really hates me. Must drive him crazy that I've been doing this column for seven years now...

Acoustic Kitty - now at Borders!

So I have a little bit of exciting news to share - ACOUSTIC KITTY is now available at three local Borders stores. You can get it at the Sunset Hills, Ballwin and Creve Coeur stores. Even better, the Sunset Hills location is going to have me come by for a book signing on Sunday, September 14. I don't know the exact time yet, but it'll be around 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. I'll let you know for certain once I find out more.

How I got to this point is actually kind of a cool story. I signed up for Facebook a few weeks ago and a woman named Susan added me as a friend because she is a fan of the Fringe. As it turns out, Susan's also the general manager of the Sunset Hills Borders store, and I remembered her because she had said hello to me when I was in the store about a week before that. (It was maybe the tenth time in the seven years of writing "Suburban Fringe" that I've been recognized in public - I'm still not used to it.)

We struck up an online conversation, Susan expressed interest in carrying KITTY in her store and a few of the other local Borders locations, and voila, I am now officially in Borders. Still not quite the same as being in bookstores coast to coast, but all things considered, I'm excited. Baby steps, people, baby steps. If KITTY does well, that might help me land an agent, which in turn would help me get a publishing deal, which in turn would get my book into stores all over the country.

As a "St. Louis-is-a-big-small-town" aside, my wife's cousin used to work at the Sunset Hills Borders and is friends with Susan. So we were only one or two degrees of separation apart to begin with. Facebook just closed the loop. Weird.

Well, okay, maybe that story was more interesting for me than it was for you. But still - at least now you don't have to wait for a copy in the mail if you don't want to. W00t!

Hilarity. Nonstop hilarity.

Overheard this morning while buying a soda at a gas station convenience store:

Clerk 1: Hey man. Have you ever seen a Jenny McCarthy movie called "Dirty Love?"

Clerk 2: No.

Clerk 1: It is hilarity. Nonstop hilarity. Jenny wrote and directed it herself.

At that point I finished paying for my soda and left.

"Jenny wrote and directed it herself." Sweet mother of God.

I love me some Neil Gaiman.

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I'm a big fan of Neil Gaiman. Neil, in case you don't know, is one of the best writers of supernatural fiction working today. He made his mark writing the 90s-era Vertigo comic THE SANDMAN and is also the author of a number of most excellent novels (and big sellers) like AMERICAN GODS and ANANSI BOYS. If you want to know more about Neil, check out his web site and pick up, oh, just about anything he's written.

I'm mentioning him today because lately I've been reading old trade paperbacks of THE SANDMAN and am really loving it. It's creepy, twisted stuff. There's no way I could accurately describe the plot, but if you enjoy graphic novels - and even if you don't - I think you'd like it.

In one of those weird-coincidence type of things, I happened to finish watching Beowulf (the semi-animated film with Ray Winstone in the title role) this morning. (I watch DVDs on my laptop while walking on my treadmill at the crack of 5:45 a.m.) I got to the end, started watching the credits, and who was listed as the co-writer and co-producer? Yep. Neil Gaiman. No wonder I enjoyed it so much.

There's actually a remote chance that Neil and I may have something in common sometime down the road. His agent, Merrilee Heifetz, is currently reading my ACOUSTIC KITTY manuscript. I don't have a literary agent but very much would like to have one so I can have a shot at getting KITTY carried in bookstores everywhere. Keep your fingers crossed; Merrilee is, by all accounts, a fantastic agent, and I'd be very lucky to work with her. She also represents the bestselling author (and St. Louis resident) Laurell K. Hamilton, another crazy-good writer. Who knows if Merrilee will sign me, but heck, I'm honored to have her even consider the notion.

The moral of the story: read a lot, and when you do, find some time for Neil Gaiman stuff. And Laurell K. Hamilton, while you're at it. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed.

The downside to knowing Bob The Excellent.

First of all, before I forget, today is Fringe Day, so if you haven't yet, go check out the latest column. I actually think it's pretty good. I liked it, anyway.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to share with you a funny e-mail I got today from my friend Raymee. It read thusly:

i'm considering having a party at my house. the theme of this party will be MEET BOB. here is why.

every week, without fail, a friend will read your column and then write to me (politely including the link) and asking me things about you. is he really funny in person? (to which i reply "no he is an enormous ape" which does not answer the question at all but communicates my opinion of you nonetheless). what was it like to work with bob everyday? (to which i reply "it was like having the life sucked out of me by vampires at the bottom of the sea...but, this one time, in vegas...") is he really tall? (to which i reply "he is an enormous ape).

hope you're happy.

Yeah, all the rotten grammar and lower-case letters were in the original e-mail. I think Raymee does that because she knows it gets on my nerves. We have a special relationship like that.

I do think it's really funny when people act like I'm some kind of celebrity or extra-cool person. I'm convinced that anyone who does will be crushingly disappointed to meet me, as in person I can, at times, exude the personality and charm of a stunned halibut.

Here's how I responded to Raymee:

If you do have this party, I will attend, upon certain conditions:

1. I am carried in and out on one of those thrones like the old Egyptians used, which required four people to lift and move.

2. My throne shall be carried by strippers, all of whom will respond to the name Debbie.

3. The strippers shall be covered in butter and nothing else.

4. A lavish feast of nachos, pizza and cheeseburgers will be prepared for me, by strippers covered in butter and nothing else.

5. All will address me as "Your Most Excellently Good Looking Genius."

6. All must bring copies of "Acoustic Kitty" for me to sign. I shall, however, sign none of them.

Please advise.

She said she's thinking about it. I don't think she's telling the truth, though.

And for the record, I was joking about the butter.